Warning: Parenthood Is Bad For Your Health

A Surgeon General Advisory

© Photo by Bertie

In case you missed it, the Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, recently released an advisory on the mental health and wellbeing of parents. According to the report, American parents are reaching a breaking point.

Some parental stats: 65% can’t keep up with the financial demands of parenthood; 65% (rising to 77% of single parents) are lonely; 70% are worried about the negative effects of technology and social media on their kids; 75% are concerned about their childrens’ mental health; 33% report high levels of stress in the past month, and a full 48% of parents say that most days their stress is completely overwhelming (those last two figures don’t seem to jibe, but OK).

Now, as the father of five kids, I’m the last one to argue with such concerns. I even agree - as I suspect would most Americans - with the Surgeon General’s anodyne proposals. I’m all for funding programs to support parents; improving access to mental health care; stress management and work-life harmony; more research and less cultural pressure; more social connections and less expense (I mean, seriously, Murtha’s solutions, with their perfect blend of obviousness and obliviousness, are more depressing than the problems).

And yet…. For all its admitted stresses, does parenting really deserve a Surgeon General advisory? Let’s look at some of the prior ones: Alcohol abuse; Drug addiction; Toxins in pregnancy; Obesity; Lead; Radon; and, of course, the granddaddy of them all, Tobacco.

Not so sure parenting rises to the same level.

Long before the first Surgeon General walked the earth, there lived a Greek philosopher named Demonax. Demonax was a Cynic, known for his wit and unconventional style. One day, Demonax ran into a friend, who confided that he was consumed with worry about his children and all the bad things that could happen to them.

Demonax responded by telling his friend that the friend’s son had died. His friend was instantly overcome with horror and grief, until Demonax revealed that, actually, just kidding. The friend’s son was fine. Demonax’s idea was to confront his friend with his worst fear, thereby teaching him the lesson that unnecessary worry leads to unnecessary suffering.

Leaving aside for a moment the question of whether the lesson worked, and whether the proper response would have been for his friend to punch Demonax in the nose, that’s actually the kind of parental concern I can get behind. Underpinning all of the countless legitimate difficulties of parenting is the undeniable fact that the fear of loss diminishes the joy of the present.

The problem is, what the problem is: not TikTok, the college application process, bullying, or even the threat of gun violence. But rather, things like attachment, impermanence, selflessness, and the limits of control. Grief and Loss. The fragility of existence, and the vulnerability that comes in equal measure with love.

Not so sure the Surgeon General is the right one to turn to for solutions to these kinds of problems.

But what do I know? I’m neither a surgeon nor a general. I’m not even the very model of a modern major general. I’m just a simple country (at heart) family doctor trying to keep my patients healthy and treat them when they are sick. Who am I to say what should or shouldn’t be the subject of a Surgeon General advisory?

I will, however, say this.

If parenthood deserves a warning, then I’d like to see a Surgeon General advisory on Work. After all, who can argue that the American relationship with work - the way it determines our identity and life’s meaning; consumes our time; gives us medical insurance for goodness sake - is exactly healthy?  For more on this, see Michael Moore’s whole oeuvre, and especially his excellent and funny movie, Where To Invade Next (2015).

Then, I’d like to see a Surgeon General advisory on Love. This could be a two part series, with one on dating and one on marriage. Is there anyone who would argue that our general approach to these institutions couldn’t use a few bland proposals for change? If so, see American popular culture as a whole.

And finally, as a piece de resistance, I would love to see Dr. Murtha take a sabbatical. Move to Vermont. Rent a little cabin in the woods, like Alexandre Solzhenitsyn when he wrote The Red Wheel. Seclude himself from the world and produce what would surely be the crowning achievement of his career: a Surgeon General advisory on Life itself.