If reassuring parents that we are less implicated in the outcome than we think is intended to help us take the pressure off ourselves, then I appreciate your intention. That said, I see it a bit differently. That siblings are so different from one another is not straightforward evidence that parenting matters less. For me, their individuality merely leads them to internalize us differently and therefore be different from one another. That parents are so different by the fifth might not prove we are less influential but rather are merely differently influential as we go along.
I do support helping parents take some heat off themselves. But more because as humans we can show our kids we too are imperfect. We can model self-compassion, right our wrongs, be forgiving, and work at being our best selves - but that includes self-acceptance when we're just not there yet (which will be never anyway!). And even though we are definitely NOT the only influence on them, (phew! - it takes that village after all), I urge parents to recognize the depth of their influence, albeit gently.
Despite my differences from you, I am grateful for this post. Indeed, a big part of why I take my kids to you for their annual visits, is because of your experience as both physician AND parent. What a blessing to the community you are!
I have a yellow, torn Peanuts comic strip that for some reason I thought it was meaningful back in 1972 as I was graduating from college. I pasted it in an album and still have it to this day and it helped a lot when we became parents. Charlie Brown tells Lucy the Psychiatrist his new philosophy of life:
“In the book of life, the answers are not always in the back.”
oh, do I miss watching the kids play ball!!
If reassuring parents that we are less implicated in the outcome than we think is intended to help us take the pressure off ourselves, then I appreciate your intention. That said, I see it a bit differently. That siblings are so different from one another is not straightforward evidence that parenting matters less. For me, their individuality merely leads them to internalize us differently and therefore be different from one another. That parents are so different by the fifth might not prove we are less influential but rather are merely differently influential as we go along.
I do support helping parents take some heat off themselves. But more because as humans we can show our kids we too are imperfect. We can model self-compassion, right our wrongs, be forgiving, and work at being our best selves - but that includes self-acceptance when we're just not there yet (which will be never anyway!). And even though we are definitely NOT the only influence on them, (phew! - it takes that village after all), I urge parents to recognize the depth of their influence, albeit gently.
Despite my differences from you, I am grateful for this post. Indeed, a big part of why I take my kids to you for their annual visits, is because of your experience as both physician AND parent. What a blessing to the community you are!
I have a yellow, torn Peanuts comic strip that for some reason I thought it was meaningful back in 1972 as I was graduating from college. I pasted it in an album and still have it to this day and it helped a lot when we became parents. Charlie Brown tells Lucy the Psychiatrist his new philosophy of life:
“In the book of life, the answers are not always in the back.”
Great blog, Dr Bertie
Steve Goldschmidt